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Tue, Oct 22, 2002 5:51 PM
fatherhood....hmm.

all i know is that it's cyclical. i get a good two weeks of being purely in love with my daughter - just the site of her gnawing on her fist gives me a chill down my spine, and i want to weep at the innocent beauty before me. and then it fades, and i wonder about hanging out with a bunch of guys, taking a night walk with just my wife, seeing a movie because i want to, and generally acting without responsibility...and i get a bit thrown off. not depressed, but just slightly unnerved at the life shifts that have occurred while i've been changing diapers over the last four months. then, without warning, the waves of passion return with the tides, and i'm back on the kaya train, finding myself standing cribside when i should be sleeping, anxiously awaiting more milestones and trying my hardest to remember these times, for they move so fast.

i've spent alot of time thinking about business lately, and i wonder where it comes from. somewhere deep inside, there seems to be a thought process that if i can only just make the last few big $$ i need, i'll be able to completely forget the working world and dedicate myself to my child. but, of course, that's neither realistic, nor necessarily what i want. there's a sobering feeling that random business ideas, or any other activity for that matter, are hard to "just do" anymore, and that i have the needs of a family to consider. but there's also a feeling that, well, it's all just work, and there's a greater understanding of life now, as if i've broken through some shallow plain and moved into deeper hues and more vibrant sounds and sheesh...where am i going with this? i guess kids (and lack of sleep) make you a bit trippy.

i hope i remember how stupid i was as a kid as my kid starts to do things that aren't rational and adult. i feel the rational world weighing down on me, compelling me to do the smart thing and be risk-averse, and parenthood, at least in the beginning, separates you from your old stupid self. i need to hold onto my stupidity.

ok, it's obviously late and i'm dangerous with the keyboard. until next time.

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Thu, Oct 17, 2002 5:52 PM
just back from a stunning week in upstate new york (details and pictures to follow), watching the leaves flame out for the season and watching my girl grow older.

just on the tail end of yet another emotional bout with my daughter. i get into these moods - not bad, mind you - but just these tremendous feelings of longing and love which take the shape of a tear-jerky commercial...i picture Kaya's graduation, first steps, or just spending the day with her at any age. this is the second time i've been in this state - the first being her birth - and it's refreshing to know i feel so passionately about my daughter.

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Wed, Oct 2, 2002 5:52 PM
it's been a long time since i posted, and even longer since we put up pictures. to be honest, this parenthood thing is kicking our ass. it's beautiful, it's wonderful, it's all-consuming. extracurriculars are quickly falling by the wayside as the basic human needs (work, food, sleep) are becoming more scarce.

some of the recent highlights:
- the baby naming ceremony a couple weekends back with cantor frenkel's voice lighting up our backyard
- hearing our child wake up, cooing in her crib. entering her room to see her smiling and staring up at you.
- latest stats from the doc: at 45% for height, 75% for weight, and off the charts for head size. hmm...
- kaya's laugh - well, sort of - it's a big gaping mouth movement whenever she sees herself in a mirror.
- her first rollover!!! i wasn't there to witness, but the wife reports a front-to-back official rollover. repeated attempts to replicate have been unsuccessful (for now...)

so, life is good, if exhausting. we're preparing for our first vacation with kaya...we can't decide if there's less stress actually going on the vacation or just staying in the house!

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Tue, Oct 1, 2002 5:42 PM
from kaya's baby naming...

ode to my daughter
[read by chona]

You are the fruit of endless love
I see in you the twinkle of my eyes
And the depth of your father�s heart

I will watch you learn to crawl,
Take your first steps,
Run for joy,
And I already imagine the day you walk out on your own
But the miracle of you will never cease to amaze me

I am told to savor every moment
The scent of your skin,
Your smile as I enter a room,
The way your hands fit so neatly into the palm of mine

Yet a tiny part of me cannot wait
To see the woman you will become

Whatever paths you choose in life, my love,
I wish you joy.
I wish you midnight swims on phosphorescent waves,
I wish you neverending fields of sunflowers
I wish you the deep blue skies of the Himalayas

But most of all, I wish you love.
The kind of love that brought you into this world.

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