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Thu, Oct 30, 2003 10:28 PM
so i take back everything i said earlier tonight.

i came home tonight to the tail end of lil' k's dinner with cho's mom, my mom and sy, loovie and yen in the kitchen. kaya saw me and lit up like a candle. she fixated her eyes on me, and i strolled over and lifted her as high as i could out of that chair.

we then spent 20 minutes beating each other up on the 'tickle couch', jumping around and generally getting sweaty. the crowd around us thought us insane, but she likes it rough and i just want her to smile and laugh. upside down, spinning around, pillow fights, and on it goes. finally, sweaty, we settled down for a bath.

as we put her to bed, i suddenly felt the need to hug and hold my daughter, and keep her close to me forever. it'll be a long time before she can understand the depth of my dedication to her, especially as i'm not sure where it comes from myself.

it's odd - i've never felt so selfish and yet selfless at the same time. i'm selfish - i want her with me, smiling, and i want to be her favorite, and yet it's selfless in that i simply want her to be happy, and there's nothing, truly nothing in this world, that does it for me more than to see her smile.

it's late. i'm rambling. i'm in love.

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Thu, Oct 30, 2003 5:20 PM
lately, for the first time maybe, i'm having the first of likely many challenges with daddyhood.

see, i love seeing my daughter. her face is the sun, and i bask in her warmth the second i see her when i pick her up in the morning, or when i come home from work.

what's tough for me is what happens after that - see, she's not really talking yet, she likes to just run around, and while i can marvel at her all day, i feel as if we're in this awkward stage where we're not really getting activities or communication out of kaya, but rather just controlled chaos. i'm left not really knowing what to do with her for the hour or two that we've got together. i know we both love to eat, and we both love to take walks...but what about when we're just hanging out? (well, i guess the answer to that is that 1.5 year olds don't just hang out ;) ). anyway, i'm doing a poor job of explaining my stress, but i guess i'm just feeling that toddlerhood is a bit awkward for me.

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Thu, Oct 23, 2003 4:51 PM
a traumatic, but beautiful experience today.

i stopped at home for just a second to pick something up. kaya was having lunch with Loovie, and they came out to the hallway to say hi. when lil' k saw me, she reached out to say hi, and i kissed her and held her for just a second. i then turned to go, and she started to bawl - really scream - that her daddy was going away. i took her in my arms again, held her for a moment, and when i tried to put her down, she clung for dear life. as i left the house, i heard her crying for just 30 seconds, and then she moved on to something new.

while it breaks your heart, it also makes you feel so wanted and so connected to your child to see them so attached. i treasure that connection, and the raw emotion attached to it.

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Sun, Oct 19, 2003 12:42 AM
i feel as if my (tiny) audience gets tired of my constant gushings of affection for my daughter, but i find that nothing makes me happier than to tell the world about her greatness. with that appropriate disclaimer, here's tonight's installment:

mom left tonight for a 3-day trip to NY, leaving her daughter in the care of dad. this is stressing me out - to have total, complete responsibility for this precious cargo! while i know i can do it, and i've done it before, the responsibility is daunting. the reality is almost always that it's actually a breeze, and you quickly realize that the best way to spend a day is exclusively with your daughter. we don't have too much planned, but i'm thinking about showing her the ocean again - she hasn't seen it since she could walk - and generally rolling around on some grass somewhere. in between, there will be lots of noodles, and, just possibly, a verboten ice cream.

i was talking with a not-with-child friend tonight, and we talked at length about life with kids versus life without. my friend expressed concerns - "will i like my child? will i mess up my child? what about my life?" - and it brought me back to my own concerns that i had as we went through the pregnancy and early days of kaya. and it dawned on me that those concerns have all melted away, replaced instead with a deep sense of purpose, as if this is nature's way, and i stand tall with the belief that there's no higher purpose or more important thing one can dedicate their lives to than being with their child.

this is not to say that one should completely sacrifice their own lives to their child, and that's a topic i've spent some real time thinking about lately - what am i doing? what's my passion? - and keeping myself healthy (both physically and mentally) will be a challenge in the coming years.

still, these days are filled with kodak moments (cue saxophone):

- tonight, i caught kaya's eye as we were sitting far away from each other at Islands, and i smiled at her, and she gently smiled back.

- today, we slid down a winding slide, ending with a giggle each time.

- when i go to put her down these days, she clamps her legs around me, not wanting to let go.

it's midnight, and i need rest before she gets up at 6:30. i long for the sleep, but not as much as i long for her.

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Mon, Oct 13, 2003 11:00 PM
just a small sampling of today's complex emotions:

- a kid is like a safety blanket. as you go through a day at the office, you forget you have a kid for a few minutes, and then you find yourself stressed out, or you just catch a glimpse of the picture on your desk, and you say "hey, i have a kid - how cool!", and the little things that were slowly starting to seem important fade back again, and the world once more seems manageable. there's something so permanent about a kid that is so intensely reassuring to me - kaya is a constant in a world of change, she's always there and ain't going anywhere (well, for now at least). you start to get excited about coming home, wandering into the kitchen, seeing your daughter look in your direction and run towards you. that's worth a special mention as well - when your kid runs towards you, it's not like the runs you see in dream sequences on the beach between two lovers...rather, it's a clumsy, passionate awkward sprint, with a huge grin of anticipation on her face, with no fear knowing that she's running into daddy's arms. i've said it before, but let me re-iterate once again: moments like those can melt anyone's heart.

- a kid is terrifying. i find myself spending moments thinking of every AfterSchool Special ever made...what if she comes home with a tattoo? what if we don't like her boyfriend? when is it OK to sleep over somewhere? will she lie to us? will she like us? will she talk to us? will we be total loser parents? (mind you, as i write this, she is still in diapers and sleeps in a crib). if you don't have kids, you'll think i'm a wuss. if you do, you know exactly what i'm talking about.

- a kid brings out the parent in you. what's up with me sympathizing with the straight-and-narrow parents in films, not the free-spirited kid? damn that loud rock and roll music! and slow down!

- a kid brings out the lack of sleep in you. which is why i'm gonna sign off tonight.

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Wed, Oct 1, 2003 10:41 PM
i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm tired of hearing all this gushing about the Kodak moments with little K. so, with the hope of writing something for an audience interested in more than hugs and giggles, lemme try to paint some of the stuff that goes through the mind of a father of a 1.5 year old. (btw, I STRONGLY recommend a book by Armin Brott called "A Dad's Guide To Toddlers" - it discusses many of the issues I write about here with far greater elegance).

- So I'm a naturally pessimistic person. I've come to terms with it, I've tried drugs to fight it, but I've realized that I'm a half-empty kind of guy. That said, I've had numerous experiences in the last few months where I've found it impossible to find something bad in my life. I look around and see an amazing daughter, a super-talented wife, good friends, close family, and, for the first time since I can remember, I find it hard to complain. Trust me, I do find things to complain about, and the curmudgeon in me will rise again, but it's an errie feeling to be so happy with where you're at. Maybe it's a 30-something thing....but I like it.

- At the same time, I have my tougher moments. The dreams and passions of youth are stored up in my mental attic somewhere, and each trip back up there has me forgetting where I last placed that insane idea to start a band, or travel somewhere exotic, or whatever, and I feel my age more than I ever thought I would before. I want to do different things, but I've got a family now, and 99% of my time is consumed by that. Maintaining an independent passion is a challenge.

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