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Tue, Nov 25, 2003 1:13 PM
first of all, more pix coming soon - stay tuned, and apologies for being a slacker.

it's odd that little things remind you of the passage of significant amounts of time. two things resonated with me in the last 24 hours, illustrating the difference of where we are now from where we have been:

first, just for fun, chona put lil' k in ponytails this morning (pictures forthcoming). at first, it looked awkward - and then, as if before my eyes, i realized that i was looking at a little girl, a girl who can talk, share opinions, play games, and interact with me like anyone else. it's as if she gained a year in the span of 10 minutes, and i felt the pull of baby memories as they faded away, replaced by this beautiful, happy child that lives in my house. just the night before, it's as if she decided she wanted to start learning in earnest, and we plowed through picture books 5 or 6 times in a row, with her pointing to pictures, listening carefully, and then saying it herself the next time through. i've got a little girl.

and then, as i'm still reeling with happiness over my little girl, she finds an old pacifier on her floor this morning. she looks at it for a second, as if not sure she recognizes it, and then pops it in her mouth, surely recalling memories from babyhood. only, this pacifier is for 3-month olds, and she can barely keep it in her mouth as it's far too small for her (and we are LONG past the pacifier anyway). it's so odd to see her so clearly outgrowing her baby ways, and moving on. it makes me want to hold on to every minute.

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Sat, Nov 22, 2003 7:29 PM
i just got the best present i've ever gotten from my little girl.

for those of you who don't know, a 1.5 year old kid is a study in motion - they are constantly moving, yelling, crying, laughing, or doing something. there is literally no rest, except for sleep. today is chona's work day, so i had my daughter for the entire day, which, as per usual, was barely controlled chaos. we went to watch planes take off at the airport, but the wind kept the planes on the ground, and we went to the park, and we ate a bunch of meals with varying degrees of success and copious amounts of food on the floor.

so, tonight, the whole family is tired, and we walk through kaya's nighttime routine with less than our usual gusto. she gets bathed, and we enter her room to put her to sleep. i leave the room for a few minutes, and when i come back, i sit down, and she promptly walks up to me, crawls on my lap, and hugs me. she's not moving, and it seems like it would be more comfortable to lie down, so i gently lie down with her on top of me, and she just lies there, hugging her daddy for about 15 minutes. no movement, no entertainment required - she just seems happy in her daddy's arms. i listen to her breathing, i feel her weight on me, and from time to time she pats my arms, as if to reassure herself that she's still on top of me. eventually, i wonder if she's fallen asleep on me (something i secretly hope has happened, and we can just sleep the entire night like this - i would!). but her eyes are wide open, and she's just chilling. and, as i said at the beginning of this story, that's something that 1.5 year olds just don't normally do.

alas, all good things come to an end, and we turn down the lights, gently pick her up, and put her in bed, to rest for another day.

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Sun, Nov 16, 2003 10:13 PM
i spent most of the weekend with my little girl, walking through fall colors, finding the moon at midday, and picking up sticks. we went out for breakfast, blasted music and danced about in the early hours when only we were up, and generally hugged each other alot.

last night, we brought lil' k to cho's dad's 70th birthday party, and, as we walked into the crowded, noisy room, lil' k just lost it - she started to just bawl. you know how little kids bawl - their face turns read, the lower lip goes completely horizontal, the eyes bug out, the mouth opens...you wait...and then the wail. and the tears. it tears me apart. it taps into the basest of my emotions - something trips in me and i know that i must protect this child. ultimately, all was fine - she was hungry, and she chilled out later as we gently introduced her to the room - but that feeling isn't so easy to shake. it's genetic adreline, or something.

but, other than that, i can only say that my daughter is beautiful and i love her so. i feel so uni-dimensional in my passion for her - but that's all i feel equipped to say. what's interesting is that i can feel so passionate, and yet not want to bother changing her, or want some time off, or just be tired. reconciling your love with your desire to just get away and get a break is not easy.

g'night, all.

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Fri, Nov 14, 2003 7:22 PM
tonight's my birthday dinner (my actual bday was yesterday), and as i stumble over this little milestone in life, i bear witness to a radically changing perspective in life. my priorities have shifted - it's about being a dad, first and foremost, and it permeates my actions.

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