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Sat, May 31, 2003 11:11 PM
it's back.

the emotions have overtaken me once again. it's the oddest things that trigger this rush, and i'm guessing this is the 4th or 5th time it's happened since little K was born.

here's what happened: we interviewed a housekeeper/nanny today to take care of lil' k. chona's ramping up her work schedule, and she brought up the idea of having this woman take care of kaya from 9AM until she goes to sleep, twice a week.

and that little sentence just tore me up. something about the idea of a stranger - a woman who is getting paid - being the last face my only child sees on her way to sleep just destroys me. i know i need to get over it, and i know that it's not fair to ask of chona, but i simply can't bear the idea of kaya in the hands of someone who isn't there out of love.

i told chona i would change my schedule so that i could be the one to put kaya down when she's not around. and it's reminded me how special my mornings are with her, and what an honor it is to be there when she falls asleep in my arms.

it's three hours after this event and i'm still a mess. i wonder how people do it - leave their kids in the hands of professionals, separate themselves from their kids, maintain a healthy relationship - and i just can't figure it out.

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Tue, May 20, 2003 11:36 PM
we're in vancouver on a little vacation...our first real vacation as a threesome. cho and i are in shock at how our lives have changed - we get 2 or 3 hour snippets to actually do anything vacation-like, while the rest of our days are spent eating or napping or arranging to do one of those two.

that said, these are days to remember. kaya STOOD ON HER OWN today, which truly deserves all CAPS. she plants her arms on the rug, spreads her feet and straightens her knees, and then pushes up from a downward dog. as she raises herself, legs spread waaaaay too wide and her ass sticking out a mile, she looks up, and just for a second she is perfection, absolute joy. she feels the breeze from 17" up for just a moment, and plops down on her pudgy little baby butt. she's so darn proud of herself that she then applauds her tremendous effort, as do we.

we went to the aquarium today, too, which was prolly a little aggressive on our behalf, but she still seemed to like looking at the whales and jellyfish, etc. she seems to love walking the streets of vancouver the most, and just hanging out with her Lola, mom and dad..

so tonight, feeling a bit romantic and just satisfied, cho and i snuck into her room and watched her sleep for just a moment. ah, to hear the rhythmic breathing of a sleeping baby. there aren't enough superlatives in the world to describe the feeling, and you're left with a tear in your eye and a feeling of satisfaction that lasts for hours.

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Wed, May 14, 2003 11:26 PM
i've taken to carrying a picture of my daughter around with me, showing it off to anyone i meet. i find comfort in the fellow parents i meet, and keep those pictures handy. i wonder why others aren't as mesmerized by those pictures like i am, and why they don't just want to make copies and hand them out to all of their friends.

we're very close to walking, and we heard a (likely accidental) "mama" the other day. but we do know that she hears us ("clap" and "up" are two command she definitely knows), and getting a smile out of her is getting easier with every passing day.

i find myself losing focus at work, or with friends, just thinking of coming home to her, or talking to her. perhaps i'm the one suffering from separation anxiety.

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Tue, May 6, 2003 6:10 PM
so much is happening, so fast.

suddenly chona and i find ourselves so busy...her with her new venture, me with my constant little side projects and work...and the calendar starts to just flip by like they always do in cheesy movies. it was just yesterday that kaya was 10 months, and now we're on the verge of 11.

there's an odd mixture of sadness and pride as i gaze upon 'old' stuff that kaya used to use. her bassinet looks so small and creepy in the back room. her crib mirror now lies on the floor, where she regularly holds it over her head or chucks it across the room. i put her in her exersaucer this morning, and she gave me this look that just said "Dad, get real."

for so long, i wanted her to get big fast, so that we could start talking and walking and doing stuff together, and now i find myself wistful for sleepless nights and tiny fingers.

other interesting tidbits:

- have now visited two pre-schools as we try to determine where our baby will first spend her non-parental hours. more on that later.

- currently debating the merits of live-ins and the role a housekeeper should play in a kid's life.

- kaya now claps on command - you say 'clap', and she claps! despite the feeling that i'm training a circus seal, it's kinda cool. she's now standing and clapping.

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Thu, May 1, 2003 11:38 PM
kaya's on the video cam, she's been sleeping since 7. i could watch her all night.

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