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Mon, Jun 23, 2003 11:15 PM
hell, i'll admit it - i'm proud of myself. us. kaya. the whole family.

the rear view mirror is starting to come into focus as i settle into life with a little girl. kaya isn't a baby anymore - she's now a kid, just not quite as tall. we take walks in the morning, we nap in the afternoons, we go places, we eat out. we've fallen into a comfortable routine.

as of kaya's first birthday, daddy is now taking point on putting kaya to sleep at night. it's a task that made me nervous, and one that i avoided for as long as i could - i have this irrational fear of my daughter breaking out in hysterical screams as i go to put her in the crib - but the reality has been so poignant and beautiful that i keep thinking i'm in some life insurance commercial or something.

basically, what happens as night is this:

6:34PM - lil' k enters the bath
6:38PM - we smother her in the ducky towel (her fav)
6:42PM - daddy lets her crawl around naked in her room, assuring mommy that kaya won't pee on the floor
6:43PM - kaya pees on the floor
6:44PM - daddys gets the rug cleaner as mom begins reading "eyes, nose, fingers and toes"
6:45PM - kaya rips out one of the few remaining pages
6:52PM - kaya has burned through a dozen books, turning pages about 4 times faster than mom and dad can read.
6:58PM - mommy kisses lil' k goodnight and turns down the lights. daddy and lil' k say goodnight to everything in the room - the door, Afro Ken, the trashcan - you name it.
7:03PM - daddy is trying to get lil' k to fall asleep on his shoulder while everyone listens to Baby Beatles tinkle out "The Long And Winding Road". lil' k whispers "dada....dada...". dada gets all misty-eyed. lil' k reaches out for her crib.
7:05PM - daddy puts lil' k in her crib. she bonks her big ol' noggin against the crib walls.
7:07PM - she's out. daddy puts her down, whispers "i love you", and tip-toes out.

not a bad way to spend your night.

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Tue, Jun 10, 2003 9:15 PM
the helium balloons haven't hit the floor yet; kaya's 1st birthday is still fresh paint in my memory. breakfast pancakes with one blue candle and another for good luck, the head spot at the table as all eyes are on kaya at lunch, and a dinner surrounded by her history - 2 sets of grandparents, recent immigrants from far away, and her parents.

kids bring continuity. they show you that life begets life, that you are a link in a chain, and that the world continues to spin no matter what personal crises are plauging your life. kaya is like one of those motivational posters in big office parks, forever reminding me that there's always something bigger than me, bigger than today. and that's like a warm blanket, protecting and surrounding me, knowing that in the end, all will be OK, and i'll be home in bed, with my child and my wife, drifting off to sleep.

one year. this is perhaps the first year in all my life where i can clearly document all that's happened, and how much has changed. the effect runs deep - social life, friendships, sleeping patterns, even eating patterns - dramatically changed overnight. at times i grow nostalgic for the carefree days of old, and i bite my tongue when talking with single folks, trying not to give the 'enjoy it while you can' lecture though i desperately want to.

one beautiful year. one year makes a helpless baby a smiling, bubbly person. a twosome becomes a threesome.

tonight i took a drive by myself, up Ocean, past the palm trees, and out towards the mountains, dipping into the pacific. it felt weird. i wasn't in a hurry, i was alone, and for a second i regressed ten years to a single guy, driving around LA with time to kill, on my way home from a burrito stand or on my way out to the beach for a date. for a second or two, i felt pangs of jealousy for that guy, agendaless and obligation-free. and then i made a right turn, back into my neighborhood, and i drove home to my family. i didn't look back.

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Wed, Jun 4, 2003 12:16 AM
wow. almost a year has gone by since my life turned upside down. since all i thought was important turned out to be not such a big deal after all. since i hung up my ego and reveled in my love for another. since i found joy in the tiniest fingers and the first signs of a new tooth.

god, do i love my daughter. i grow teary-eyed just thinking about her sometimes. i stare into her video monitor. i yearn for her smiles, and dread her cries.

i've realized that i had no idea what i was in for when i signed up for this gig. this ain't no science project; it's a lifetime commitment. and, honestly (and surprisingly), that doesn't intimidate me.

i feel like i've joined a club - people who have tasted the exhaustive joy of procreating...and there's a common nod, an understanding that folks without kids can't ever grasp. we embrace our 4:30 dinners and our 5AM wakeups, we relearn bubble-blowing, and we feel slightly more content and at ease with life's dramas than ever before.

i dig my life. i dig my wife. and, most of all, i dig this beautiful little girl who will be there for me in the morning.

g'night, lil k.

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