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Sat, Jan 17, 2004 7:53 PM
dear wife,

you've been away for about 4 days now, and your daughter and i have a message for you:

we miss you. come home now.

it's not that we're having a tough time - everything is under control, although i doubt you'd approve of kaya's morning licorice or the definitely not color-coordinated outfit she wore today. we hiked this morning, had a moderately successful lunch, and just hung out together - but a twosome isn't a threesome, and we like having you around.

i guess we miss you the most at bedtime. we read our books, take our bath, but you're not there to rock lil' k on the chair and whisper to her the things that only a mommy can say to a little girl. the room feels just a bit empty when you're not around.

we're not trying to guilt you in to coming home early - we just want you to know that our collective rhythm is just slightly off, and the world is slightly less colorful when you're not around to share it with us.

we'll see you on monday.

k & d

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Thu, Jan 8, 2004 3:55 PM
so many thoughts, yet so little time to express them all. so many fears, so much joy, compressed into a such a short time frame, and the overwhelming feeling that it's all just going by fast, too fast, and please can it all just slow down and oh please let me remember this moment for all eternity.

pride. that's one of the many emotions that's taken on a new meaning since kaya entered my life. i can't think of much in my life i've been all that proud of before - i was pretty keen on that concert t-shirt in 8th grade, and i find a secret joy in showing off my latest gadget, but then along came her - my little k - and pride was suddenly found in half-eaten bananas and taking first steps and just generally being a little girl.

i had my girl with me this weekend - had her all to myself this saturday. i've gone from having a private dread of these days - (oh my god what am i going to do with her? can i handle her needs? i know i'm going to blow it!) - to intense anticipation of our short time together, as it always goes by so fast and short winter days seem to be that much shorter. with kaya, days are about details - we spend an hour blowing bubbles, we stop as we're walking down the street to pick up a wrapper, or point at the bus in the mural on the wall halfway down the block. we follow the sidewalk until, well, something else comes along, and we certainly don't follow any boundaries, as really everything we see is to be grabbed, analyzed and prodded. (this includes neighbor's thighs, berries of unknown origin, anything plastic, utensils of all sorts, etc.).

one more thing that comes to mind on this late night is how much you learn about yourself through this process, and how it's the exact opposite of the kind of parent you thought you'd be. for as long as i can remember, i espoused to everyone that i would be a 'cool parent' who would share my kid's tastes, music, and whatever else. and yet, today i am a changed man, for 2 different reasons:

1) kids, inherently, make you uncool. and that's just the way they want it. for 2 years now, i've been out of the cultural loop, and if it can't be digested in a 15-minute TiVo sitting or a newstand magazine, i have neither the energy or the patience to consume it. thus, when my beautiful daughter reaches 12 years old and decides that Band X is the coolest band on the planet, even though they're covering an old Nirvana song from 1991, i will be so far removed from popular culture that i just won't get it. and i'm sure that's just the way my rebellious little daughter would want it.

2) on a more serious note, i find myself a changed man in the amount of concern and protectiveness i bring to parenting. while i'm laid back when it comes to baby-friendly detergents and the like, i've been far less cool about letting lil' k wander off around the house or just generally leaving her alone. my desire to see her happy seems to sometimes sublimate my own needs, and i can't imagine doing errands, or watching my own TV show or really doing anything except watch my daughter grow up.

coming up with that appropriate balance between your life and that of your child's must be the single hardest thing about being a parent. terrified of the extremes (great parent, no life or crappy-parent-who-never-sees-kid), i walk the tightrope, waves of guilt just below me. i react in horror when i hear of the dad who went away on a business trip, and yet i fantasize about a day-long bike trip with some friends. there's no balance for me, just confused passion for my daughter.

ah, i've turned negative, and i didn't mean to. now's a beautiful time (god, do you see the words i'm using lately? beautiful? joyous? i'm a fucking hallmark card.) and i am starting to appreciate this short phase of our lives when cho, k and i are a threesome. she's learned the word 'daddy', and she uses it frequently, and it never fails to bring a smile of pride to my face. she makes me feel needed, and for that i love her.

i'll close with some more concrete, tangible things about my little one's latest progress:

-- she's now running, although steep downhills apparently give her extra momentum that have, err, painful conclusions

-- she's brushing all 8 teeth! well, when we distract her with bubbles.

-- speaking of bubbles, she's obsessed. bubbles, buses, and her friend abby. oh, and money.

- mornings start with an early wakeup, playing in her crib by herself, then soft, progressively more insistent "mommy" and "daddy" until one of them comes to get her.

- "beautiful eyes" is her latest trick - slowly winking at anyone who asks. she's also become quite the camera hog - see the latest pix for evidence.

g'night.

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